Little Hands

I fear the passage of time. How years ago I imagined my life to be at this age and how a year used to feel much longer, how three hours used to feel significant. Now I wish for time to pass and when I want time to move slowly it seems to move much quicker. I hold onto the idea of things getting better just to get me through the night. I worry that not much will ever change, even with the good things in my life it seems that I get too tired of the same thing but also cannot come to grips with the fear of change. It’s as if I cannot handle the now, or the idea of the future and my memory of the past is always fading.

Here we go again

Here I am again, I'm telling you this because I'm going to take you on a crazy fucking adventure. The adventure that is my existence, or rather our existence. The ups and downs, the peaks and the pits. It's a wild ride and it's a lot to endure. Someone once said that there's an hour of pain for every two minutes of happiness. Never have I heard anything more true than that. The thing though is that we're all going through it. Some of us just have numbed ourselves, others have learned what to focus on and what not to. Then there's people like me, the ones in the middle. The ones that have close to no clue of what they're doing. Somehow though, we're still doing it.

We're here, we're existing, we're still laughing, we're still smiling, crying, screaming, but we're fucking doing it. We are living our lives. That truly is all that matters.

You.

I genuinely feel like you are so sweet? But I think that maybe now I'm worried about you. I feel like there's been a cloud surrounding you and I can no longer reach you the way I once could. You're drifting and I don't know where. I can't figure it out either. Are you okay? I've been wondering the same about myself until I realized it's because of the connection I had with you. When you're not alright, well, I find myself not feeling alright either. 

Some things just haven't been okay. I'm stuck feeling like a temporary soul sitting around in this waiting room of a town. There's not much to do here and from the boredom I can tell that I'm finally becoming the kind of anxious that could drive a person up the wall. There's work, there's laying around, there's getting so drunk that all we do is fight and there's the great outdoors that only leaves me wondering when the last time will be that I'll see your doors closing. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder so much and I had so much hope and now I don't know what it is that's left. It's probably just me realizing that there isn't much I can do, not on my own and not with you. I thought I found the beautiful connection of finding someone just as lost as I was, with the lovely idea that maybe we can both be found together but now all there was to discover was that you're more lost than me. I can't go further into the dark just in hopes of pulling you out, especially not for a person who won't appreciate the venture and energy of going so far. 

I just think ( I think so much) that love is never really the answer. There's always this excitement and it comes and it goes and it comes and it goes until one day it finally goes. But I know my worth and I know I'm worth so much more. If you're wondering why I'm so upset it's because that was always my initial feeling. I loved you so much but one always knows what they want, what they really need and we are constantly searching for those things and every new day comes with realizing what we have doesn't match up to what it is we want. Spending too many days already let down, too hung up, too saddened by the past to only spend yet another day let down. I just don't think you're a person like that. You seem like a big child, one whose thoughts don't hold too much complexity, one whose wants are either easy to reach and whose dreams seem either simple or silly. But you'd think there'd be more? There really should be and maybe it's because you've been handed so much?  When I think about you now you feel like an empty vessel. And it's scary because I see those around you start to see the same. There's just not much to you anymore. I constantly say I cannot understand you, that I think I never really will and this rings true. I can't wrap my head around any other fact except that this I know is true: baby, you're just a goddamn idiot. And I love you but I'm just fucking worried about you. Because I think something's wrong and there's something wrong with me too. 

As much as I love you, I don't know anymore and here we go again..

"I have been a hundred times on the point of killing myself, but still was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our worst instincts. What can be more absurd than choosing to carry a burden that one really wants to throw to the ground? To detest, and yet to strive to preserve our existence? To caress the serpent that devours us, and hug him close to our bosoms till he has gnawed into our hearts?"-Voltaire 

So it's February now and I'll be twenty in a week. It's weird, I don't know, I think everything's weird. I'm super in love with with life, internally, deeply I am. I have thought of death a hundred times since the new year. It's still hard but, it's all about what hole you choose to dig yourself into. I've learned I can wake up like "oh fuck this sucks I just want it to be Friday" or I can be like "oh cool today won't be bad and even if it is fuck it the sun comes up again tomorrow". Everything works itself out in one way or another. 

I have my problems with people, I have my problems with myself. I have to let myself sometimes go through bouts of ignoring everyone and shutting myself in because it feels like it's what needs to be done. But I'm trying to not let myself stay in that moment long. It's healthy in this technology driven world to want to get away from everything and everyone because with social media, constantly we feel like we cannot get away from people's shit. Sometimes I feel like "fuck it I don't want to reply to whoever and I won't until tomorrow". And I just let myself feel that emotion. But really getting to the nitty gritty of it, you know internally, I think it's because of my insecurities, I have a lot of issues passed down and swirled around because of my family and how I was raised.

My mind moves constantly, I'm always having flash backs and it's difficult. I let myself go through all of this on my own too and it scares me. I haven't let myself open up and confront people about what my anger and my discomfort and my sadness is really about. I really want to work on that, when I feel upset I'm going to remove myself from the situation, think it over and then get it out then and there. Because I'm not even allowing those that are supposedly there for me to even have their moment to be there for me. I'm just carrying it all on my own and trying to cover it up.

Another thing I want to work on is exuding happiness and getting back to just being nice and helpful and caring. I can't be that genuine to everyone but I want to be more relaxed. I want to feel at ease and well rested and excited about life.

I just don't understand what it is anymore but I'm lost. I'm not happy and I don't feel like I'll be there anytime soon, not even a little bit. I hate my job, I barely have a family, I barely have any friends. There's no more substance in my life and it's a fight to want to get out of bed every morning. I am simply tired of trying and failing, I don't see a point to it anymore. I'm always mad at you, I'm always sad or disappointed, constantly upset or on the edge of being so. You just upset me and that's a part of it too. I don't feel that I'm my own person and I don't want to rely on you for anything at all. I want to be happy on my own, I want to know how to be on my own. As much as I feel I want to see you I just don't feel I should so much anymore. I'm too sad to pretend I'm okay, I'm too sad to 'hang out', I barely work but that right now is all the energy I can pull out of myself and there is nothing left over. I'm terribly sad and I hate it. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to project this onto anyone else, it's a terrible disease.

take it easy baby

Sometimes it all feels like we're walking alone but we never are. Everything's gonna be alright.

Just don't move too fast.

just float

RELAX DUDE

I LOVE YOU

EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT

AND THOSE THAT SEEM LIKE THEY MIGHT NOT

WILL PASS AND SOON THOSE WILL BE OKAY TOO. DONT STRESS YOURSELF. JUST TRY YOUR VERY BEST! NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY. TAKE IT EASY BABY

TAKE IT AS IT COMES. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, FEEL THE SUN SHINE

I LOVE YOU LITTLE DEER

YOURE GONNA BE FINE

BETTER THAN OKAY

SHINE ON ❤️

Wallowing

I realized I'm a huge wallower. It just hit me: I need to stop and enjoy my fucking life. It just feels like sometimes everything within me shuts down and I can't turn the power back on. I just need to smile and enjoy little things for right now, like the fact that I have a new job, that it's almost Christmas, that I have a boyfriend who yes, isn't perfect and makes mistakes but cares enough to prove himself to me and love me. I'm honestly blessed and need to demonstrate thankfulness because I know if I lost what I have now I would be actually, really depressed. Right now I'm just sad because I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm not thinking rationally. How I'm treating myself isn't helping either, I need to let myself learn, I'm not perfect. I need to love myself, let myself have fun and enjoy this time in my life. Let myself eat and sleep as I need to. I need to love life and enjoy every minute I possibly can. Show love for those you care for, don't let the little worries take over and remember: everything will be okay. Don't stress, don't worry so much! All things must pass. You deserve a happy life! You deserve happiness, you are worthy! A change in attitude is all I need. Wake up on the right side of the bed, count your blessings and remember the One is always looking out in your best interest. Everything has a meaning, a lesson, a purpose behind it.

Don't get ahead of yourself anymore! 

You're an over thinker, HERE COMES NOTHING. Today was the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday but all worked out! There will be bumps in the road but embrace them!

I love you, all will be well :-)

❤️❤️❤️

let's be real here

I've been depressed again lately and nothing much has really changed since last year and I think that's the most saddening part of it all. Nothing ever really changes that much. It took an entire year to maybe take one step in a good direction and that's all I can say. One year, one baby step, I suppose it's not much but I hope it's something. But my depression is still so bad I know I must do something about it once more. I haven't felt this unalive since I was severely depressed, severely. No appetite and the food I do eat just doesn't want to settle, I end up puking or gagging. I can't sleep and losing those two factors can in no way make a person feel good. Everyone needs food and sleep but lately I haven't had much of either. My mind feels drowned in thoughts. All I wanna do is feel something or nothing at all. I can't stand this full, empty feeling. I want to be happy again. Though I suppose it's like the saying goes, two minutes of happiness for twenty minutes of misery. It's sad but it's true. Believe me there is always a silver lining, a glimmer of hope in the distance, the light at the end of the tunnel, whatever. Fuck it though, it's so difficult to keep yourself afloat when you're repeatedly pulled back under. It's not easy to say it'll all be alright every damn time. Sometimes you really have to be proactive about it. It reaches a head, it always does for everyone. You get to that place where you're just fucking done. That doesn't mean you want to end your life but you just sometimes wish you could get a break. That you could voluntarily go into a coma, just to no longer have to deal with the day to day bullshit for a while. No one wants to deal with all these fucked up people that continue to run rampid, ruining everything and the shitty jobs and the shitty money, the shitty town you might live in. You just get so damn tired of it all. And its normal! If you don't feel that then something is wrong. You should want change, you should want a better life for yourself. You should want to surround yourself with people that don't piss you off and that actually genuinely give a shit about you. And you should realize that you don't have to live your life the way everyone else does. You don't have to keep doing things that make you unhappy. You don't have to be around people that bring you down. You're not being over-sensitive  or emotional. If someone rubs you the wrong way, so fucking be it this is your life! Don't allow someone that isn't worth your time into your life. You are more valuable than that. You are worth more than that. You are more than your unhappy job, your sad town and your drunken nights. You can change everything any second you want. Be aware of that, you're going to lose hope and you're going to be sad and that means you're alive, you're living and you give a damn. Don't lose sight of that,  goodness is hard to find, it'll take time, it's a long, dark journey but eventually you can get there. You can do anything. Anything you want. You can get out of your bad relationship and stop clinging. You can quit your shitty job and leave your shitty town. I believe in all of you and love you and I am fighting this battle with you. 

Good night xx