let's be real here

I've been depressed again lately and nothing much has really changed since last year and I think that's the most saddening part of it all. Nothing ever really changes that much. It took an entire year to maybe take one step in a good direction and that's all I can say. One year, one baby step, I suppose it's not much but I hope it's something. But my depression is still so bad I know I must do something about it once more. I haven't felt this unalive since I was severely depressed, severely. No appetite and the food I do eat just doesn't want to settle, I end up puking or gagging. I can't sleep and losing those two factors can in no way make a person feel good. Everyone needs food and sleep but lately I haven't had much of either. My mind feels drowned in thoughts. All I wanna do is feel something or nothing at all. I can't stand this full, empty feeling. I want to be happy again. Though I suppose it's like the saying goes, two minutes of happiness for twenty minutes of misery. It's sad but it's true. Believe me there is always a silver lining, a glimmer of hope in the distance, the light at the end of the tunnel, whatever. Fuck it though, it's so difficult to keep yourself afloat when you're repeatedly pulled back under. It's not easy to say it'll all be alright every damn time. Sometimes you really have to be proactive about it. It reaches a head, it always does for everyone. You get to that place where you're just fucking done. That doesn't mean you want to end your life but you just sometimes wish you could get a break. That you could voluntarily go into a coma, just to no longer have to deal with the day to day bullshit for a while. No one wants to deal with all these fucked up people that continue to run rampid, ruining everything and the shitty jobs and the shitty money, the shitty town you might live in. You just get so damn tired of it all. And its normal! If you don't feel that then something is wrong. You should want change, you should want a better life for yourself. You should want to surround yourself with people that don't piss you off and that actually genuinely give a shit about you. And you should realize that you don't have to live your life the way everyone else does. You don't have to keep doing things that make you unhappy. You don't have to be around people that bring you down. You're not being over-sensitive  or emotional. If someone rubs you the wrong way, so fucking be it this is your life! Don't allow someone that isn't worth your time into your life. You are more valuable than that. You are worth more than that. You are more than your unhappy job, your sad town and your drunken nights. You can change everything any second you want. Be aware of that, you're going to lose hope and you're going to be sad and that means you're alive, you're living and you give a damn. Don't lose sight of that,  goodness is hard to find, it'll take time, it's a long, dark journey but eventually you can get there. You can do anything. Anything you want. You can get out of your bad relationship and stop clinging. You can quit your shitty job and leave your shitty town. I believe in all of you and love you and I am fighting this battle with you. 

Good night xx