I just don't understand what it is anymore but I'm lost. I'm not happy and I don't feel like I'll be there anytime soon, not even a little bit. I hate my job, I barely have a family, I barely have any friends. There's no more substance in my life and it's a fight to want to get out of bed every morning. I am simply tired of trying and failing, I don't see a point to it anymore. I'm always mad at you, I'm always sad or disappointed, constantly upset or on the edge of being so. You just upset me and that's a part of it too. I don't feel that I'm my own person and I don't want to rely on you for anything at all. I want to be happy on my own, I want to know how to be on my own. As much as I feel I want to see you I just don't feel I should so much anymore. I'm too sad to pretend I'm okay, I'm too sad to 'hang out', I barely work but that right now is all the energy I can pull out of myself and there is nothing left over. I'm terribly sad and I hate it. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to project this onto anyone else, it's a terrible disease.