So it's February now and I'll be twenty in a week. It's weird, I don't know, I think everything's weird. I'm super in love with with life, internally, deeply I am. I have thought of death a hundred times since the new year. It's still hard but, it's all about what hole you choose to dig yourself into. I've learned I can wake up like "oh fuck this sucks I just want it to be Friday" or I can be like "oh cool today won't be bad and even if it is fuck it the sun comes up again tomorrow". Everything works itself out in one way or another. 

I have my problems with people, I have my problems with myself. I have to let myself sometimes go through bouts of ignoring everyone and shutting myself in because it feels like it's what needs to be done. But I'm trying to not let myself stay in that moment long. It's healthy in this technology driven world to want to get away from everything and everyone because with social media, constantly we feel like we cannot get away from people's shit. Sometimes I feel like "fuck it I don't want to reply to whoever and I won't until tomorrow". And I just let myself feel that emotion. But really getting to the nitty gritty of it, you know internally, I think it's because of my insecurities, I have a lot of issues passed down and swirled around because of my family and how I was raised.

My mind moves constantly, I'm always having flash backs and it's difficult. I let myself go through all of this on my own too and it scares me. I haven't let myself open up and confront people about what my anger and my discomfort and my sadness is really about. I really want to work on that, when I feel upset I'm going to remove myself from the situation, think it over and then get it out then and there. Because I'm not even allowing those that are supposedly there for me to even have their moment to be there for me. I'm just carrying it all on my own and trying to cover it up.

Another thing I want to work on is exuding happiness and getting back to just being nice and helpful and caring. I can't be that genuine to everyone but I want to be more relaxed. I want to feel at ease and well rested and excited about life.