veil of tears

Honestly, I'm worried. I'm worried because even though I have this mindset that everything happens for a reason, I sometimes truly feel that I met you at the wrong time. The wrong time because I'm not okay yet, I'm not a whole person on my own yet and I'm not emotionally stable if anything I feel like my emotions are getting more unpredictable. The only thing I can account for my emotions is that I keep getting let down. Yes. I'm only nineteen but nothing is at all what id expected it to be and I'm depressed. I've had depression, I've been medicated and now maybe I've forgotten how to cope. My life's been a quiet whirlwind, it's been a lot but then again not much at all. I feel like I had so much more to go through and that's when you walked in and everything just ceased. Now you're here and I love you, I know I do because I wouldn't spend nearly as much time with you if I didn't. I think you're cute, funny and sometimes caring even. Here and there I find myself questioning if I should  say I love you back, which is funny thinking back to how I was the first one to say it. It's just that sometimes I don't really know if I'm in love with you. It's stupid but there's a difference. I think I got caught up in you too fast. It's like everything good, it's great at first but then you sit back and think maybe you should of waited longer. Maybe I should of thought more about you, learned more about you. Because a month in, I learned and then another month I learn more and to be completely honest, I get disgusted. I find you gross and unappealing sometimes I really can't stomach you at all. And then other times I love you so much it scares me. Through all of this though I don't think of leaving you and leaving is always my go-to solution. It's why when I cry, I'm crying in your bed alone and when I'm crying it's because I'm feeling so many back and forth emotions. I don't know which is real and what's just me overthinking so I try to quiet it all. But I don't leave just because I'm crying, with you I feel comfortable. The only way I can think to solve this Is I need to fall in love with you again, I need to remember why I was drawn to you in the first place because I don't remember anymore. I need you to just care and support and be there. Like you've been, but I need to find some appeal in you because I'm losing sight of it all quickly.

I need to spend less time with you honestly i wish we could just date again because now we've settled in and it's not right. Anyway, what I'm saying is I love you, I do but I just don't know about you all the way yet and it sucks. I wish I did, I wish I waited but neither of us did. We're here now and we need to figure it out.