veil of tears

Honestly, I'm worried. I'm worried because even though I have this mindset that everything happens for a reason, I sometimes truly feel that I met you at the wrong time. The wrong time because I'm not okay yet, I'm not a whole person on my own yet and I'm not emotionally stable if anything I feel like my emotions are getting more unpredictable. The only thing I can account for my emotions is that I keep getting let down. Yes. I'm only nineteen but nothing is at all what id expected it to be and I'm depressed. I've had depression, I've been medicated and now maybe I've forgotten how to cope. My life's been a quiet whirlwind, it's been a lot but then again not much at all. I feel like I had so much more to go through and that's when you walked in and everything just ceased. Now you're here and I love you, I know I do because I wouldn't spend nearly as much time with you if I didn't. I think you're cute, funny and sometimes caring even. Here and there I find myself questioning if I should  say I love you back, which is funny thinking back to how I was the first one to say it. It's just that sometimes I don't really know if I'm in love with you. It's stupid but there's a difference. I think I got caught up in you too fast. It's like everything good, it's great at first but then you sit back and think maybe you should of waited longer. Maybe I should of thought more about you, learned more about you. Because a month in, I learned and then another month I learn more and to be completely honest, I get disgusted. I find you gross and unappealing sometimes I really can't stomach you at all. And then other times I love you so much it scares me. Through all of this though I don't think of leaving you and leaving is always my go-to solution. It's why when I cry, I'm crying in your bed alone and when I'm crying it's because I'm feeling so many back and forth emotions. I don't know which is real and what's just me overthinking so I try to quiet it all. But I don't leave just because I'm crying, with you I feel comfortable. The only way I can think to solve this Is I need to fall in love with you again, I need to remember why I was drawn to you in the first place because I don't remember anymore. I need you to just care and support and be there. Like you've been, but I need to find some appeal in you because I'm losing sight of it all quickly.

I need to spend less time with you honestly i wish we could just date again because now we've settled in and it's not right. Anyway, what I'm saying is I love you, I do but I just don't know about you all the way yet and it sucks. I wish I did, I wish I waited but neither of us did. We're here now and we need to figure it out. 

the young adult blues

Lately, I've been overemotional, more self-conscious and more on edge than usual. I feel as though it's because of my age, if you're in your late teens and early twenties these are truly challenging times. They're confusing times, these are the years where we really just start to settle into ourselves. With 19-20 years behind us we finally get a glimpse, (even though it's usually little) of who we are, who those in our life really are and what we want to do with our lives. We're starting to get tired of shitty jobs with shitty pay, living at home is getting old and we're having a hard time deciding what it is we should really do career-wise. We see our friends true colors, some good and some bad. 

Twenty years is like a preview shot of our identity. This is why I don't feel comfortable going to college right now. I don't know what I want to do tomorrow or how I want to spend my weekend let alone for the rest of my life. And because of my indecisiveness, I don't feel comfortable or right allowing my parents to drop an upwards of say, a hundred and twenty grand on a college education for me stress and struggle with. I just don't feel okay with it. These are the years where I need to figure myself out, I need to learn how to support myself, love myself and be alright on my own. Within the next three to five years I would love to be emotionally stable, somewhat financially secure and nonetheless, happy or on the right road to happiness. 

I'm still figuring out what road to take, we really don't have an understanding of how long it takes to make that decision. It's not an easy thing and it shouldn't be made out to be easy. College is expensive, good jobs are hard to come by, nice people are even harder to come by. Life is just not the easiest thing, not for anybody in my opinion, it really takes some getting used to and it takes a lot of training and experience to learn how to handle yourself through not only hard times but good times too. 

All of these hard times though I feel are in preparation for the good ones. We can't allow ourselves to forget that. When you're feeling stuck at your parents home, learn to first appreciate that you even have that as an option (some people don't) and then secondly, remember things won't be like this forever. You're going to move out, you're going to figure out what you want to major in or what you want to do with your life because not everyone has to go to college for four years! You're going to find love, you're going to have a good job and if you take each lesson to heart and learn from them then you will be happy! Allow yourself time and don't pressure yourself, you never have to do what everyone else is doing.

Xx

be your own biggest fan , not your own worst enemy

I hear people say constantly to prove others wrong. "Don't give up, you've still got people to prove wrong." Honestly, why are we striving to prove others wrong? How about instead we strive to prove ourselves wrong? People forget we are our own worst enemies. We're our biggest critic, our own biggest bitchy, bossy friend. The things we say to ourselves and how we make ourselves feel, we would not allow others to say or do such things to us but we allow our own minds to go against our soul.

You think you're not good at something, prove yourself wrong and see that it will work out. You will do good and be good. Nonetheless, either way you get through everything in one way or another and no matter what you always learn a lesson. 

a new chapter

Moving into a new chapter in my life always comes with anxiety. I'm always filled with nerves until I settle into my new chapter. I'm constantly thinking that life will go terribly bad for me and that nothing will be alright but somehow.. everything , always, always works out. I get sad quite frequently and people will ask "Why?" Why am I sad? Because I am so blessed and apparently  live such ' a great life ' I am not allowed to feel anything other than beaming happiness 24/7. But no we are all humans.. We all feel things and go through emotions and thoughts. Just because you have a roof over your head does not mean you have no right to feel pain or sadness or heartache. This is what people forget.

And people will try to drive it out of you what it is that makes you sad and sometimes you will just not know. Sometimes sadness will wash over you completely with no warning or cause. It will fill you up and pull you under, drowning you but it won't have a particular rhyme or reason. Sadness happens, it's part of human nature. Things don't go how we planned for them to go , things hardly ever do and because of that sometimes we feel sad. It's human nature to think our lives will be a certain way, we spend our time trying to put ourselves on the right track, as if happiness is a one-way destination but it simply will never be so. It is a journey with a lot of changes in route, a lot of stops along the way and by the time you get there it's probably still not exactly what you expected it to be but hell, you're still happy because you made it there regardless, right? What I'm trying to say is we all misshape life, we all expect things to be better and easier, somehow we all hold on to high hopes but no matter what; everything will work out. 

What I'm trying to say is that no one has the right to belittle ones emotions. We are all humans, we have the tendency to think much, much more than we really should. So, when you're sad don't think too much about it, it's natural. And when your friend or your mom or your loved one is sad, please don't think about it too much. It's natural.

growth

It's important to remember in relationships that spending time apart is healthy. Incredibly healthy at that, as I've come to realize that absence really does makes the heart grow fonder. As much as I hate being alone, I've been sick lately so I've been in bed quite a lot. I've been spending my days sitting around and resting. Its during this time that I've realized that rest and time away is really what I've needed all along. I need my own life apart from yours. I need to stay busy and build my own world, I cannot fuse mine with yours. It's not healthy, so I'm taking my time alone and I emphasize more on my own health and well being than anyone else's right now because it's what I... I need. 

"I don't know people say life is great but I really can't relate."

Even though you're drunk and sometimes you make me mad, sometimes even sad I love you , I do. Im convinced I always will. You're the best idiot I know and I'd rather deal with your messes than anyone else's perfections. You make me feel a way I didn't know I could feel.

 I hope I never forget this 

xx

It's really awful coming to a part in my life where I should be happy, I envisioned and dreamed that I'd be happy in this stage of my life. Though now here I am, I have a good job, I'm in a good relationship and doing well with my studies but breaking under a

constant stream of stress and anxiety. 

seven things I hate about you

I hate how you always want to please everyone and how you never speak up. I hate how sometimes you don't seem to care. I hate the way you act and how you never think anything through. I hate how you don't always ask about me and the way you always assume. I hate that I love you so much. I hate that I'm scared feeling like I know that you're gonna fuck this up. I hate how you're perfect but then I don't even hate you at all, it's me that I hate most of all.

scared and worried x

I'm scared of being left out. I'm scared that I'm wasting my time. I'm worried for my future. I'm worried that I'll never get out of here. I'm scared we'll never last. I'm scared that you'll fuck this up. I'm scared that I won't live past thirty. I'm scared that I won't do anything good with my life. I'm scared that I'll end up the way I was before. I'm scared I'll never be happy.